9. Signal Failure

 

 

How much assistance do you welcome when you’re shopping? Personally, my idea of hell is to be closely shadowed around a shop by an overeager assistant – (0) .

“For God’s sake, stop following me!”, I did once shout at a surprised assistant in a pricey jewellery shop in New York. She fell back a couple of paces, (1)  (company policy, I expect). In the end I left in a huff, making a lofty, it’s-your-loss, I-would-have-bought-something-but-you-blew-it kind of noise that made no impression on anyone.

So I’m excited by a clever idea from a cosmetic company (Clinique, as it happens). Apparently,
they’ve come up with a range of colour-coded wristbands for customers to wear – (2) .

 

A pink band signifies “Browsing and happy”. (In other words, “Don’t speak. Go away. I’ll scream if you come near me.”) A white one says, “Time is of the essence.” (“Can’t you see? I’m an important person in a hurry. I want you to serve me NOW!”) Lastly, a green one says, “ (3) Let’s talk” – which I suspect the company thinks of as a middle-ground sort of message, forgetting that it will frequently mean, “I don’t actually want to buy anything, but I haven’t talked to a living soul, not for weeks, possibly months, and you look like such a nice person with your lovely skin and I’m sure you won’t judge me or call security like they did in the last shop.”

 

Whether this simple three-colour system covers all eventualities I’m not sure. I can certainly foresee problems (4) . and finds that she can’t get anyone’s attention except by tearing off the
pink wristband with her teeth. But the wristband system would certainly be a boon in the world
beyond the cosmetic counter: how are you supposed to know whether a fellow dog-walker, say, is happy to pass the time of day?

Of course, there are some unofficial systems already in place. Teenagers wearing headphones are surely sending out a pretty strong noli-me-tangeresignal; but I wonder if it works. I never wear headphones in public, except on planes – (5)  It seems that all cabin staff have been trained to wait for the precise moment you put your headphones on to come and ask you – at normal speaking volume – if everything is OK.

One thing worries me about all this: the number of unofficial codes (6)  In my youth I recall
men at university sporting a particular kind of silver bracelet and – although I noticed it – I still don’t know whether it was coincidence, fashion or overt gay signalling.